Ashley is 3

Dearest Ashley,

You are 3 now, and in my opinion, officially a toddler. Sometimes, when you are sleeping (like an angel), I wish time would go back to 3 years ago, when you were born. As a first-time mommy, there were so many I didn't know and do. But there are only 2 things I wished I had done differently. The first thing is to take at least 1 picture of me being pregnant, so that I can keep for memory how I looked like with you inside me. The second thing is to breastfeed you. Other than these 2 things, there's nothing I'd want to change for the past 3 years. I love and treasure every second being with you, and I miss you every second that I am not with you. It may not appear that I love you when I am scolding you, but I do. And trust mommy when I tell you, my heart aches everytime I see you fall and hurt yourself.

I am glad I knew then to appreciate (and keep in my heart) all the trials and experiences of being a mom. From the heartache of seeing you go through phototherapy when you were only a few days old, to suffering from colic when you were six weeks old, to the horrific experience of you having high fever when we were in Japan, to the blissful happiness of hearing you call me mommy, running towards me to give me a hug when you see me open the door, when you hand me a plaster after seeing the cut on my finger.

As the old adage goes, the feeling is simply magical when I held you in my arms for the first time. Like me, your daddy was amazed and star-struck by you too, my dear. The first thing I told your daddy after you were born was "Take picture." And your daddy took it up and wanted to take my pic. He was shell-shocked. That was the impact you made.

Throughout these 3 years, Mommy watch you grow from a wee little baby to a little toddler girl now. All the little milestones you achieved delights me immensely. How you tried to stand and walk even after falling down countless times. How you wobble and crawl at amazing speed to get the toys you want. How you started to run. How you started to climb up and down the stairs on your own. How you started jumping. How you started skipping. How you started to babble. How you learned to say single syllable words, and moved on to double syllable words, n then short phrases and then simple sentences. How you learn to sing and dance. How you learned your ABCs. How your learned your 123. ... and so much more...

Do you know that you called me Mi-mi initially ( we think it's because the word "mommy" is harder to pronounce ). I didn't mind it at all. I was simply ecstatic to hear you call me. And sometimes I just deliberately don't answer you when you first call, so that I can hear you call me Mommy again.

Do you know Mommy love sleeping with you? I love knowing you are safe and sound beside me. It helps me enjoy a good night's sleep too. So what if it’s been said that children should be trained to sleep on their own since young, to instill independence. I don’t believe in that theory at all. I slept together with your granny from young until I was about eight. And see how independent I am.

I love seeing you grow up and the little things you do to demonstrate your love for me. You would come forward and kiss me, sayang me. You would bring me me knee guards when I tell you my knee caps are hurting. You would tell me (and I quote) "Mommy, be careful ah. Wait you fall down how?" I love that you are capable of sharing things, even biscuits that you love to eat. I love that you have the patience to wait, as Mommy tells you to.

Much as I love you, I doesn't want to smother you. You need to grow up, develop your character and be your own person. And this is something I remind myself every now and then. And at times, I let my hand go and let you fall, so that you can pick yourself up and learn from the experience. Just know that I will always be with you and to give you guidance and a helping hand whenever you need one.

I strive to be a good mom, one that will be able to teach you the right values, and that you will grow up to be a good and honourable person.

I surprised myself when I realized that I have only 1 wish for you – to be happy. No, I am not referring to the transcient happiness that comes from having a cup of rum & raisin ice-cream or watching a favourite TV show. I want you to have real happiness in life, to be able to love what you do, and do what you love, to be able to appreciate and enjoy life.  Life will never be a bed of roses, but mommy hopes that by the time you are to be tested, mommy would have taught you and given you enough strength to go through the trials in life.

I love you. I know I say this to you everyday (countless times). But it’s never enough. Know it in your heart. Know that mommy loves you.

Happy birthday, Ashley.


Mommy