Letter to Ashley

Dear baby,

How time flies! It’s clichéd but it’s so apt… You are not a baby anymore, as you always remind me. But you still respond when I call you baby. It’s a habit I probably won’t kick.

You are 4 yrs old now. I always reminisce the days of 4 years ago when I had you in my tummy, when you came into our world. And without fail, it always brings a smile to my face.

I have been your mummy for 4yrs, have I been a good mummy? Did I take care of you well? I honestly do not know. I think only you can tell me. Everyday, I kiss you and tell you I love you. What you don’t hear in my heart is my silent thanks for being blessed with you. You have to know that your mummy is a pessimistic person by nature, and life is so unpredictable, who knows what the next day might bring. I want to treasure all my moments with you.

It broke my heart today when I had to leave you tearing in school. Because of work commitments, I had to go. I know this incident will hurt you and you will remember the hurt. This hurts me deeply. And so again all my insecurities surfaced. Why can’t I give up work? Why do I leave you crying? Why do I hurt you?

I don’t know if what I am doing is enough. I don’t know if I am doing the right things. Recently, you have been tearing up and refusing to go to school. Is it a passing phase? What triggered it? I wonder if it’s because I made you go for Reading class. Am I giving you too much stress? In my heart, I tend to blame everything on myself and it usually distorts my perspective. I wish I could share all these with your daddy, but…….

Yesterday I bought you a balloon and I remembered you asked me if I’d bought you the balloon because you’d been a good girl. I replied yes and you asked if it’s because you’d finished your dinner last night. I laughed and said yes. I know you always want to be a good girl to mummy and you always strive to please me. I know I have a very short fuse and blows up easily. In the morning, because of the early morning rush, I always tells you to hurry up and usually scolds you when you dilly dally. I wish I wouldn’t do that, but for this, mummy says sorry to you. There’s always so little time in the morning and again, work commitments fuel my stress… Sometimes, I can even feel my heart palpitations from all the daily hurriedness…

I am going to leave office early today and fetch you home early. I know that makes you happy.

And I hope you won’t tear and refuse to go to school anymore. I remembered I told you this on one of our recent drives home. I told you mummy will be sad when Ashley is sad. That’s the truth, my darling. Hearing you laugh and smile takes away all my unhappiness.

Love,
Mummy

P/S: I wrote this letter to you, deardear, because I kept thinking of you tearing and refusing to enter the school. I wished I could have dropped everything and just drive you back home then… But it wasn’t possible…