I have a problem ...

in communicating with Alan.  I don't know how to resolve it.

 

It's pathetic

- when I have to start doing idiotic, stupid and nonsensical things just because he asked for it.
- when I can't even take a day off in peace (with a valid MC) because he sent me an email saying "have a good rest and get well soon.  By the way, where is the XXX report?  We are 3 days' late."
-when I can't even take a day off with a valid MC, worked through lunch to send out a report at 2pm and still get ticked off by him for sending the report out late.  During my week off, he did the report on my behalf and sent it out at 2.43pm.
- when I get ticked off for some comments in a report that I sent out, but was vetted by him prior to sending out.


I am pathetic, aren't I?

Alone and lonely

There are times when I feel utterly alone. Sick, tired, angry, sad and lonely.


Aren't 2 persons sharing their lives together supposed to talk to each other, share their thoughts, things that happened to them?


When there's no more communication, what else is there?


What is my worth? 3 roses?






- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Bite the bullet - that's my current motto!

I recently came to the conclusion that I've lost the drive to push my career to a higher level.  It could be a sign of ageing, but honestly, it's more likely the difficult task of balancing work + family kid.  Imagine being stressed over leaving the office at 6pm sharp in order to fetch my daughter from pre-school.  It sounds easy, but honestly it's not, unless I am working as a receptionist or clerk.  How to excuse myself in the middle of a call to say, "Hey, I gotta go now, you guys continue", or "I can't take calls after 5.45pm.."  On the other hand, there are night calls, which means I have to leave office early (but in reality, often work delays me till 6pm when I then hurriedly pack my stuff, move like a snake along the throes of human traffic, squeeze into the sandwiched-pack train, and hope my girl won't be the last to leave the school that day) .  Night calls also mean that I could have a screaming kid in the background, while struggling to listen to the presenter on the call.

I am just so tired at times... and frustrated... I grumble to colleagues about the unfairness of us in Asia having always to accommodate the US colleagues, that we always have to sacrifice our precious night time to attend calls, instead of spending it with our kids.

Sometimes, I think Singaporeans are just too insecure.  We don't know how to say no, without thinking that it will not jeopardize our jobs.  I am one of the guilty ones too.

I am also not without blame.  If I just could live a simpler life, and have simpler needs, then I might be contented with being a SAHM.  But I can't.  Pride doesn't allow me to depend on my hubby for my living expenses.

So, I am again stuck in a less than ideal situation.. but I'll bite the bullet and hang on, till change comes again.  And from now till then, I'll bite off my tongue before I ask for help.  It's the PRIDE again...  But if I don't have PRIDE, what will I have?

In the last month...

January was such a colourful happening month for me.  First, I was bitten by some stupid bug that triggered an allergic reaction in me.  Big red patches of rashes and pockmark-like bites appeared all over my body and face within 24 hrs.  Ir was on a Sunday and most clinics were closed.  As I was thinking of going to A&E, a google search popped up a 24-hr clinic, just 15mins drive away.  I got the injection needed to banish away the hated ITCH!!  As if that wasn't drama enough, the next day, I stupidly went ahead and ate a couple of prawns before I was completely healed.  Result: the rashes and ITCH came back... As I silently flagged myself for being such an idiot, I quickly popped the meds that the doc gave me.  Luckily, it worked!  Lesson learnt!

And then, a week later, I was plagued by a vicious headache that just wouldn't go away.  Panadols and massage (my usual remedies) didn't work.  Worse still, I still had to go to work, bearing the headache.  I don't know about you, but headaches are the bane of my life.  (I still vividly remember a nasty bout of headache during my A-levels that lasted 2weeks.)  I practically was immobilised for the 1st couple of days, can't eat, can't sleep, can't do anything at all.  By the 4th day, I had to drag myself back to work (darn that sense of responsibility!).  And on the 5th day, I can't bear it anymore, had to go make a trip to the clinic.  Even then, with the strong painkillers doc prescribed, it still took me about 3 days to recover... What a horrible horrible week that was!

And last but NOT least, I finally removed the braces after wearing it for close to 18mths.  Yep, I started here.  Honestly, the braces wasn't 100% effective - my upper set of teeth is slightly protruding but I can live with it.  I blame this on the orthodontist.  He kept telling me there's no more room for my teeth to move and wants me to remove 2 perfectly good teeth, so that there's space.  Bullshit!.  Now that my braces are removed, I can still find some gap around my upper teeth - meaning there's still room for the teeth to move!  It's just the way he placed the metal things that doesn't allow for the teeth to move further.  FuXX! I've argued enough with him.  If I were nastier, I'd point it out to him.  But as usual, I just wanna be done with him!!  I'll try Invisalign next time.

Oh yes, another bad thing happened to me last month.  I have a new boss - and he's a real SHITTY one!!!  Makes my blood boil whenever I think about the stupid and despicable things he's done in just a short span of 3weeks! HUH!!

P/S: I really hope the "Rabbit" year will be good for me. Keeping my fingers crossed!

On the 9th day of 2011...

I am writing about 2010.

Well, I didn't have time before that.

Looking back at 2010, the first thing that comes to my mind is to split it into 2 parts - during AV and post AV.

During AV was a horrible period, so I dont' want to talk about that. Period.

Post AV was the time when I had my life back.  Social life + Personal life.  So, that was good.  It's been 5+mths now, and so far, so good.

Ashley had quite an exciting year in 2010.  She switched from half-day to full-day childcare in July and there was a marked improvement in her social skills, I must say.   She seems more participative in class, made more friends, became more chatty, and very importantly, she shines in the year-end dance performances (she had 2 dances - ninja dance and indian dance).  The teachers/principal and even my ex-colleague SH told me separately that she dances very well.  I honestly thought she'll freeze up, esp when it's the real performance when the spotlights are directed to the stage and so many people in the audience.  But, NOT AT ALL, she just danced away, enjoying herself and the whole concert performance.  She even spotted us in the audience and waved to us when her dance was over.   So, it's "piak piak" to the mommy, for having so little confidence in her child.

Next in line comes Alan.  Hmmm.... my hubby discovered the joy of online shopping this year and boy! has he been shopping... All those fashionable clothes/shoes/belts that I'd been trying to get him to buy reluctantly all these years and now, he's buying them of his own volition.  I guessed "that thing" that happened to him made him change.  I am not complaining though, at least he dresses better now. Hah!

That's about it, folks!

It's 2011 now, and I think it's going to be a wonderful year for us.

The ONE constant thing (or person) in the morning

You know just how it tears u apart when u hear ur child crying on e other side of e fone? I juz had one episode n it's one too many. It's e 1 constant thing in her life - me. Every day, she wakes up wif me around. And she didn't today bcos I wanted to let her sleep in a bit more b4 gg to sch. It's a rare thing tt Alan doesn't need to go to work. So, I left for work b4 she woke up.

I thought she'd b upset but didn't expect her to cry. I guess tt's e bond tt we hv, and I never want it to break.

I had to promise her never to leave b4 she wakes up in future.


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Update: If u hear Alan's version, I am the sabo king because of my call to Ashley, managed to disconcert her enough to hv her refuse to go to school.  So, now she's happily playing with her cousin at mil's place.

I had a good laugh, when told of how Ashley manipulated her daddy around... hahaha!  Attagirl, my dear!

Being wistful

More than once, Ashley has vehemently told me (and I quote) "Heyyy! Stop calling me baby!  I am not a baby anymore.  I am going to K1 you know!  I am going to tell Teacher M that you called me baby."
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I still insist on calling her baby, which annoys her to no end.. She doesn't understand yet, when I told her "Yes, mummy knows you are going to K1.  But you will always be my baby."

Yes, the pangs of wistfulness hit me now and again.  Even though I had always knew that my baby will grow up and had also known to cherish all those moments past when she was still a baby, I still can't help feeling wistful over it.  Too fast, too soon.

Friends and I were just talking about time, the other day.  I found it interesting, how we looked at it from different perspectives.  To me, time flies and I commented "Very soon, it'll be another 15 yrs gone by.  And my girl will be all grown up and I'll be old.".  To my friends, they commented "Wow, can't imagine working for another 15-20yrs..."

As I grow older ( and wiser >.< ), I begin to lament the passing of time and wish I wouldn't grow old so fast.  No doubt, I don't deny that I don't like the idea of growing old.  Who does?  The paradoxical thing is that when I was young, I wished and wished that I'll grow up fast and begin to live my own life, the way I want it.

I understand how my child feels when she puts her foot down and demands that I stop calling her baby.  In her young mind, she's not a baby anymore, in the literal sense.  But what she has yet to understand is that she'll always be my baby (even if not literally, then figuratively).

Ashley's debut performance

Anyone guessed wrongly - abt my previous post?  Hah!!

This is the vid I took of her debut performance in the year-end concert.  Pardon the amateurish quality, it's taken with a digicam and we were sitting quite far back... oh, and also, the out-of-focus few secs during the vid bcos I was busy watching her dance and forgot abt the camera positioning.

Can't spot her?  She's in the last row, with 2 ponytails, the one dancing with the most fervour.

P/S: Hate that cameraman who kept walking up and down, blocking my view!

Never again!

I lost sight of her for 5 secs or so, and my heart kinda stopped for that same 5 secs...

It was just the 2 of us.  I was shopping in a store.  She was playing at the door entrance.  I kept sight of her out of the corner of my eye and tuned in to her soft singing.

All of a sudden, I couldn't hear her voice anymore and she had disappeared from my sight.

I rushed out of the store, turned left n right, couldn't see her anymore.

I ran back into the store, called out her name, and there she was, abt 15m away from me.

I remembered to breathe again.

She was looking for me, as well.

Never again!

Update to yesterday's post

I made a real effort to be patient and give lots of praise and encouragement to Ashley today.  Result:  she was very cooperative and prepared herself for school.  On top of that, she went in to school all by herself and even gave me a good-bye hug.  When I offered to accompany her into the school, she even told me no need, she'll go in herself.

Oh, I hope it'll be like this everyday...  I must constantly remind myself that praise and encouragement is the key!!!

By the way, here's Ashley with her balloon...

Letter to Ashley

Dear baby,

How time flies! It’s clichéd but it’s so apt… You are not a baby anymore, as you always remind me. But you still respond when I call you baby. It’s a habit I probably won’t kick.

You are 4 yrs old now. I always reminisce the days of 4 years ago when I had you in my tummy, when you came into our world. And without fail, it always brings a smile to my face.

I have been your mummy for 4yrs, have I been a good mummy? Did I take care of you well? I honestly do not know. I think only you can tell me. Everyday, I kiss you and tell you I love you. What you don’t hear in my heart is my silent thanks for being blessed with you. You have to know that your mummy is a pessimistic person by nature, and life is so unpredictable, who knows what the next day might bring. I want to treasure all my moments with you.

It broke my heart today when I had to leave you tearing in school. Because of work commitments, I had to go. I know this incident will hurt you and you will remember the hurt. This hurts me deeply. And so again all my insecurities surfaced. Why can’t I give up work? Why do I leave you crying? Why do I hurt you?

I don’t know if what I am doing is enough. I don’t know if I am doing the right things. Recently, you have been tearing up and refusing to go to school. Is it a passing phase? What triggered it? I wonder if it’s because I made you go for Reading class. Am I giving you too much stress? In my heart, I tend to blame everything on myself and it usually distorts my perspective. I wish I could share all these with your daddy, but…….

Yesterday I bought you a balloon and I remembered you asked me if I’d bought you the balloon because you’d been a good girl. I replied yes and you asked if it’s because you’d finished your dinner last night. I laughed and said yes. I know you always want to be a good girl to mummy and you always strive to please me. I know I have a very short fuse and blows up easily. In the morning, because of the early morning rush, I always tells you to hurry up and usually scolds you when you dilly dally. I wish I wouldn’t do that, but for this, mummy says sorry to you. There’s always so little time in the morning and again, work commitments fuel my stress… Sometimes, I can even feel my heart palpitations from all the daily hurriedness…

I am going to leave office early today and fetch you home early. I know that makes you happy.

And I hope you won’t tear and refuse to go to school anymore. I remembered I told you this on one of our recent drives home. I told you mummy will be sad when Ashley is sad. That’s the truth, my darling. Hearing you laugh and smile takes away all my unhappiness.

Love,
Mummy

P/S: I wrote this letter to you, deardear, because I kept thinking of you tearing and refusing to enter the school. I wished I could have dropped everything and just drive you back home then… But it wasn’t possible…

Why?

Gifts are always much sweeter when it was not asked for...

Surprises are always appreciated...

I just don't understand...

Reebonz surprise!

This is the 1st surprise... I bought another "surprise" today... barely 1 week after the 1st buy...

Haiz...

Counting down to the DAY!

Ashley is really get impatient for her birthday.   3 of her classmates were also Oct babies and she is the 4th n last one to celebrate in Oct.  Just last friday, she threw a small tantrum when I told here her b'day is not here yet, still gotta wait a while longer...

The preparations had been done - her 2 b'day cakes had been ordered and I've prepared the goodie bags (even though I think I went overboard with it, just hope the kids like it).  I just hope she doesn't get sick.  Alan has been sick for a couple of weeks - flu n cough.  I kept telling him to stay away from Ashley as much as possible and to wear a mask.  And would he listen?  Of cos not... haiz...

Ashley kept sneezing and clearing her nose today... I hope, really hope she doesn't fall ill.  I so want her to enjoy her birthday...

Oh, I haven't gotten her the pressie yet... something for me to do tomorrow :-)

Being princessy

Oh my gosh! Ashley is so princessy these days.  She wants to wear skirts all the time and she's into all the accessories like necklace, bracelet, headband.  Yesterday, she even told me to buy a ring for her.  She uses my lip balm, takes out my pocket mirror n pretends she's applying lipstick.  And she's creative enough to use the stamp chop to chop on her nails so that it's like red nail polish...

That's how princessy she's becoming...

Ok, I am definitely not complaining bcos I was actually abit worried that I may turn her into a tomboy as I like to dress her in pants/shorts most of the time (to avoid any accidental showing of her panty)... But these days, I just let her enjoy wearing skirts and all those accessories.  I just have to keep reminding her that wearing skirts mean she has to be ladylike... but that's easy, I usually just "threaten" her that I'm not going to buy any more skirts for you, and that'll get her to do as I say immediately... :-)

New blogger template

I think the previous dark-ish template must have been a reflection of my mood...

I was going through a rough patch... but things are definitely looking up...

Time to rise and shine...

:-)

Independence is a blessing... indeed...

I am lucky that I can be independent.

Blessed indeed!

New job = fresh beginning

Things are finally looking up for me... with a sliver of shining light...

Everyone around me knows my work was drowning me.  I've said I wanna look for another job and I've FOUND it!!!  True, I don't know if it will be better or worse, but at least the $$$ is better. Heh!

It's ironical though, when the bosses at my current employer knows of my intention to leave, they offered me lots of goodies - promotion, role change, pay rise, to persuade me to stay.  But earlier when I had asked for a day off to compensate for the late nites/weekends I'd been putting in, I was rejected flatly.

Though I was flattered, I rejected the offer.  It's just not the place for me.

Thanks to my frens and all for bearing with me, listening to my grouses...

Thanks to my darling Ashley for loving your bad-tempered Mommy... :-)

Affected..... not anymore..... soon

Have you ever been criticised unfairly before?  You heard it, but you can't rebuke it (for some reason or other)?

Have you ever been ignored, brushed aside, and treated like invisible, by your so-called family?

Have you ever felt like an outsider, while in the midst of your so-called family?

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I had.  It sucks.  Big-time.

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Until u learn to IGNORE them and not let it affect u.

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I am trying. My best. NOW.